Author: Vanessa Mathews

Mediation (also known as ‘Family Dispute Resolution) is a powerful tool for resolving parenting child custody and property settlement asset division disputes following separation and divorce, with a greater sense of satisfaction and ownership by the parties of the resulting agreement.

You may be feeling uncertain about whether or not FDR / mediation is ‘appropriate’ for you.

The answer to this question may or may not be obvious, for example:

1. FDR / mediation will be obviously not appropriate if a party refuses an invitation to attend an initial intake meeting with an FDRP / mediator –all FDR / mediations commence with an initial intake session, including risk assessment. The decision to participate in FDR / mediation must be voluntary and cannot be ‘imposed’.
2.  FDR / mediation may be appropriate even if a party expresses concern about a power imbalance and their capacity to participate – alternative modes of FDR / mediation will be considered at the initial intake meeting, including the options of joint sessions, shuttle mediation, remote attendance via skype/telephone/email. The availability of alternative modes enhances access to FDR / mediation.
3. FDR / mediation will be appropriate if both parties consent to attend – a choice of mode of attendance ensures that parties wishing for a non-litigious approach have the opportunity to utilize FDR / mediation notwithstanding concern about doing so.

For more than a decade Vanessa Mathews, accredited family law specialist and accredited FDRP and Mediator, has been providing FDR / mediation services in conjunction with her work as a family lawyer in Melbourne’s eastern suburbs. During this time Vanessa has provided FDR / mediation to hundreds of clients. Whilst there will always be the need for the Family Court to resolve the most complex parenting child custody and property settlement asset division matters, Vanessa continues to be in awe of, and humbled by, clients who choose to take responsibility for their parenting child custody and property settlement asset division and spousal maintenance issues via FDR / mediation – rather than have a Family Court Judge do this for them.

Vanessa is available to assist you to achieve a mediated agreement to:

1. Resolve your parenting issues including:

1. Interim issues:
   i. Child custody following separation, eg shared care
   ii. Single issue disputes, eg choice of school
2. Final issues:
   i. Child custody when one parent wishes to relocate with the children
   ii. Ongoing parenting child custody arrangements
3. Documentation of agreements
   i. Parenting Plan
   ii. Family Court Consent Orders

2. Negotiate property settlement and spousal maintenance issues including:

1. Interim issues:
   i. The use or sale of the home following separation
   ii. Child support
   iii. Spousal maintenance
   iv. Disclosure and valuation of assets
2. Final issues
   i. Property settlement asset division
   ii. Child support
   iii. Spousal maintenance
   iv. Superannuation splitting
3. Finalization of the agreement:
   i. Family Court Consent Orders
   ii. Binding Financial Agreements

Please contact Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists on 1300 635 529 to discuss your FDR / mediation needs.

Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists offer fixed fees for FDR / Mediation.

In 2019:

• Vanessa Mathews and Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists are rated by ‘Three Best Rated’ as one of the three best divorce lawyers in Melbourne.
• Vanessa Mathews is recognized by Doyle’s Guide to the Legal Professional as a ‘Recommended Family Lawyer’ and ‘Recommended Family Law Mediator’ in Melbourne.
• Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists won the Global Law Experts Awards for ‘Best Family Law Firm Australia’ and ‘Best Family Law Mediator Australia’ awards.
• Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists is a family law firm in the eastern suburbs of Melbourne – Suite 10/1 Grattan Street, Prahran VIC 3181.

Many married Australians own properties in the country and or overseas. What happens to these properties in the unfortunate event of a divorce?

A recent verdict by the Full Court of the Family Court of Australia in Anderson & McIntosh’s (2013) FLC 93-568 case showed.

The Anderson & McIntosh Case

The couple involved in the case, married in Australia in 1988. They shifted base to another country in 2006 and then separated in 2009. Finally got divorced overseas in December 2010. A decree from a foreign country relating to the properties was issued. There were no Orders sought for the couple’s properties in Australia.

The parties reached an agreement on the settlement of the properties in the foreign land, which received approval from the Court in that country. During the same time, a divorce decree was issued. The foreign court’s ruling did not deal with the couple’s properties in Australia.

The wife made an application to an Australian court in relation to the property settlement 12 months after the divorce. The Husband sought to have her application dismissed citing the reason that it had been more than 12 months since the divorce and that the S 44(3) of the Act necessitated a Leave of Court for instituting court proceedings, with respect to the settlement of properties in Australia.

The Husband’s plea was dismissed and so he made an appeal to the Full Court, which was also dismissed.

Overseas Divorce not a “Divorce Order”

The following are the key points from the Full Court verdict in the Anderson & McIntosh case:

• A divorce obtained overseas is recognized under Section 109 of the Family Law Act 1975. But, under the Act, the rights that the parties are entitled to in an overseas divorce are not the same as in the case of a divorce obtained in Australia.
• Section 44(3) of the Act does not recognize an overseas divorce as a “divorce order”. So, a Leave of Court – permission from the Court to take an action – is not needed to begin legal proceedings in Australia even if it has been 12 months or more since the divorce

Options to Reduce Overseas Divorce Impact

The following options could have been explored by the Husband in the above case to reduce the impact of the overseas divorce:

• The Husband could have appealed for property settlement of the Australian properties in the foreign country provided such a plea is acceptable in that country.
• The Husband could have sought orders in relation to property settlement for the properties in Australia at the same time as orders were being sought by the Wife in the foreign country. The Husband could also have entered into a financial agreement as specified by the Act for a property settlement with respect to the Australian properties.
• The Husband could have sought a divorce in Australia.

If you are to undertake getting divorced overseas, it is critical to understand the legalities surrounding property settlement in that country and any country you own properties.

A mutually agreeable decision can be reached only when all facts are available. The assistance of legal experts in such cases becomes invaluable.

Get in touch with the legal experts at Mathews Family Law & Mediation. We are one of Melbourne’s leading law firms with years of experience and a track record of delivering successful outcomes in divorce proceedings, family law property settlement, child support, spousal maintenance, mediation and a range of other family law issues.

Click here to request a free initial consultation or call 1300 635 529 now.

Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists offers specialist intervention order advice.
For a free  telephone consultation with a family law specialist:
http://interventionordermelbourne.com.au/

by Dr. Robin Deutsch, Psychologist

1. Have a very specific plan for the holidays so there is no opportunity for confusion or conflict. Parents may alternate or split holidays, but when there is disagreement about this plan, consider the longer view of alternating holidays by even and odd years. Holidays are often a time of heightened emotions, and the reality of the loss associated with separation or divorce is no more apparent than when parents must spend a holiday without their children or without old traditions.

2. Try to continue traditions of the past for the children. If they are accustomed to spending Christmas Eve with one extended family, try to continue that tradition, if not every year then in alternate years. Parents should consider maintaining some of the family traditions the first year after the separation, and alternating beginning the following year.

3. If you can continue some traditions together, make them clear, attending to details of who, what, where, when, and how. Some families are able to be together without conflict arising, but parents often have different expectations about the experience itself, as well as the amount of time they will be together. The most important thing for the children is that they do not experience conflict between their parents.

4. Create new traditions that feel special to the children and family. This is an opportunity for the new family configuration to establish new traditions for the holidays including creation of a special holiday celebration or experience on a day other than the actual holiday. It is also an opportunity for the adult who does not have the children, to establish new practices such as time with friends, volunteering, movie days, and travel.

5. Think long-term-what do you want your children to remember about holidays when they have their own children? For children, holidays are magical. It is often the little rituals and practices that are most memorable, such as baking a pie, playing a game or lighting the fire.

6. Remember, children’s memories include all senses what they saw, heard, smelled, tasted and touched. To the extent possible, create a memory that involves each of these senses and describe it, e.g. we always listen to this music, eat cranberry sauce, watch this movie, read this book, take this walk, and cut these branches. Do not allow conflict to enter into these memories.

7. Self-care is very important. Life for the adults has significantly changed. Find new ways to care for yourself, e.g. exercise, friends, books, movies, clubs, martial arts, dance, classes, activities that bring new energy and attention. You want to rejuvenate yourself and refocus on something to help you reconstitute yourself in your new life.

8. Keep your expectations small and be flexible. Focus on one thing that matters most to you during the holidays, e.g. some sense of connection to your family, having sometime with extended family or close friends, creating a new tradition, continuing a tradition. Your holiday time will not be the same, but you can decide that you will have one small goal that you will work toward creating or preserving. Holidays may be accompanied by unmet needs and dashed hopes. By thinking small you can manage disappointment and decrease stress.

9. Though you, the parent, may feel disoriented and lost in the changed family, keep your focus on the children and the new family constellations. Make the holidays about your children, which means helping them to feel good about spending holiday time with the other parent.

10. In ten years or twenty years, what do you want to see when you look back on these years of change? From that long view you can highlight the tone and experience of these transformed holidays. Remember, children who find holidays stressful because of the conflict between their parents, have terrible memories as adults of holidays and of special family moments. It is in your hands to create fond, pleasant memories for your children. They can be traditional or not, but the message is that you and our family are important and we find ways to celebrate and enjoy holidays.

Full attribution to Dr. Robin Deutsch provides consultation, mediation, parenting coordination and expert witness services in Wellesley, MA. She developed and was the director of the Center of Excellence for Children, Families and the Law at the William James College. Previously she was an Associate Clinical Professor of Psychology at Harvard Medical School. Dr. Deutsch was the co-chair of the AFCC Child Consultant Task Force. She served on both the AFCC and APA task forces that developed Guidelines for Parenting Coordination, the AFCC task force for Guidelines for Examining Intimate Partner Violence and the AFCC task force for Court-Involved Therapists. She is the past president of the Massachusetts chapter of AFCC, past president of the AFCC, and former Chair of the APA Ethics Committee.

In June 2018 the Australian Institute of Family Studies (AIFS) released a study ‘Children and Young People in Separated Families: Family Law System Experiences and Needs’ https://aifs.gov.au/publications/children-and-young-people-separated-families-family-law-system-experiences

The study included interviews with children and young people (10 – 17 years of age) who, as a result of family separation, had experienced the family law system.

Of particular importance to those who were interviewed was:
• For their parents to listen to them and take their views into consideration
• For the family law system to listen to them, particularly about safety concerns
• For the family law system to take them seriously
• To be better informed about the family law system
• Speaking to psychologists and counsellors during the family separation process was helpful.

The information provided contributed to the following recommendations:
• Give children and young people the choice to be involved in decision making
• Keep children and young people informed about the decision making process for example important decisions and dates
• Provide children and young children with a clear explanation of the new parenting arrangements
• Ensure children and young people have access to psychologists and counsellors during the decision making process
• Make sure that children and young children are safe and that there is scope to change the parenting arrangements.

The following video provides direct access to the voices of the children and young people: Quotes from the ‘Children and Young People in Separated Families Study’ – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Vaw_hVOoO8&feature=youtu.be

The process of family separation and rebuilding is undoubtedly difficult. The work of organizations like AIFS provide the ‘science’ that is needed to support developments in the complex space that we work within. Our hats go off to AIFS for their hard work, and to the children and young people who allowed us into their world.

For the best advice about your family law parenting matter or family dispute resolution and mediation, contact Vanessa Mathews on 1300 635 529or [email protected]

The Importance of Negotiating a Family Law Settlement

The importance of meaningful settlement negotiations in family law cannot be overstated.

While every separating couple has their own unique circumstances, one principle remains consistent: a genuine attempt to resolve disputes early can save significant time, stress and legal costs.

A recent Family Court decision highlights the risks of allowing conflict and emotion to prevent reasonable settlement discussions.

In that matter, the Court ordered the wife to pay the husband $30,000 in legal costs after finding that she had failed to make a meaningful attempt to negotiate a resolution. The Court considered that her approach to the litigation had been influenced by anger and distress, and that she had rejected a settlement offer that ultimately exceeded the outcome she received at trial.

The result was significant:

• The settlement outcome was less favourable than the offer that had been rejected; and
• A substantial costs order was made against her.

The Lesson: Settlement Requires Strategy

Family law disputes are understandably emotional. Separation often involves feelings of disappointment, hurt, uncertainty and frustration.

However, successful family law outcomes require careful decision-making and a focus on practical solutions.

A well-considered negotiation strategy can help you:

✔ Reduce legal costs
✔ Minimise stress and conflict
✔ Maintain greater control over the outcome
✔ Avoid the uncertainty of a Court determination
✔ Reach a resolution sooner

This does not mean accepting an unfair outcome. It means obtaining specialist legal advice, understanding your legal position and approaching negotiations with a clear strategy.

The Benefits of Mediation and Negotiation

At Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists, we believe that many family law disputes can be resolved effectively through negotiation and mediation.

Our Accredited Family Law Specialists and mediators assist clients to:

• Understand their legal rights and options
• Evaluate settlement proposals
• Negotiate strategically
• Identify practical solutions
• Resolve disputes without unnecessary Court proceedings wherever possible

Where Court proceedings are necessary, we continue to focus on achieving the best possible outcome while exploring opportunities for settlement throughout the process.

Resolve Your Family Law Matter with Experienced Guidance

If you are facing a property settlement, parenting dispute or other family law matter, early advice can make a significant difference.

Contact Vanessa Mathews, Accredited Family Law Specialist and Mediator, to discuss your options.

Call 1300 635 529 or email [email protected] to arrange a consultation.

About Vanessa Mathews — Accredited Family Law Specialist

Vanessa Mathews
Principal | Accredited Family Law Specialist | Accredited Family Dispute Resolution Practitioner | Mediator

This page was prepared and reviewed by Vanessa Mathews, Principal of Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists. Vanessa practises exclusively in family law and assists clients throughout Australia with separation, divorce, parenting disputes, property settlements, financial agreements and other complex family law matters.

Helping families resolve conflict through specialist legal expertise and constructive dispute resolution.

Last reviewed: 24 July 2026

Disclaimer: This page provides general information only and does not constitute legal advice. Every family law matter is different and you should obtain advice tailored to your circumstances.

Dear Friends

Last weekend I attended the AFCC Australian Chapter conference in Adelaide.

The conference topic was ‘Alienation? Myths, complexities and possibilities …’.

The caliber of the papers was excellent.

I was particularly interested in the workshop offered by Dr. Philip Stahl, Psychologist, on domestic violence differentiation, personality disorders and unconscious bias.

Also of great interest was the current research on high conflict separations, alienation and children resisting contact with parents.

Early identification and intervention are the keys to avoiding the escalation of ‘mere conflict’ into alienation and the devastating impact on children (regardless of age).

We heard from our local well-known Psychologists Dr. Jenni Neoh and Ms. Lisa Bottomley in particular about their respective intervention programs for complex family matters.

We often work with families facing experiencing particular difficulty with their post-separation parenting – with young and old children. We will be recommending Jenni and Lisa’s very special approaches to these clients in the hope of achieving an early and effective resolution.

The AFCC website provides a wealth of excellent resources, including conference papers http://afccnet.org.au/ . You may like to consider becoming a member.

We continue to offer a free initial telephone consultation to your clients in need of family law advice – they simply need to call us on 1300 635 529 or email [email protected] to book a time for one of our family law specialists to speak with them.

And remember, we’re always happy to help you out with any questions you may have. Stay in touch,

Vanessa and the Team at Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists

As the issue of mental health continues to gain more traction within the area of Family Law, at a practical level, and without holding the necessary expert qualifications required to properly identify and diagnose mental health conditions, at what point does a practitioner (legal or otherwise) determine if a client has the capacity to provide appropriate instructions?

Justice Power in PY v RJS & Others outlines the general legal test for capacity as follows:

• Generally, a person is not shown to be incapable of managing his or her own affairs unless it can be shown otherwise. That is, a person is presumed to have legal capacity unless the following characteristics can be observed:
• That he or she appears incapable of dealing, in a reasonably competent fashion, with the ordinary routine affairs of man and
• That, by reason of that lack of competence, there is shown to be a real risk that either:
  • He or she may be disadvantaged in the conduct of such affairs or
  • That such monies or property which he or she may possess may be dissipated or lost.
• It is not sufficient, merely to demonstrate that the person lacks the high level of ability needed to deal with complicated transactions or that the person does not deal with even simple routine transactions in the most efficient manner. That is, the person must understand the purpose of the transactions that they are carrying out in everyday life.

The “Client Capacity Sub-Committee” of the New South Wales Law Society has developed guidelines to assist practitioners concerned about the competency of their clients to give proper instructions. By way of summary, practitioners should be wary of the following:

• Are you as the practitioner able to obtain proper instructions from your client after you have provided a brief summary/explanation of likely issues to them?
• If your client has a diagnosable illness, is it likely to be a temporary or permanent impairment? If it is temporary or medication based, think about different ways in which you might obtain instructions (i.e. taking frequent breaks in conference, drawing diagrams).
• If the issues needing clarification are minor and short-term, can a friend or relative assist the client with providing instructions that are in the client’s best interests?
• Will the client consent to a formal assessment of capacity by a specialist professional?
• Should you as the practitioner cease to act? If at any time the practitioner has become the substitute decision-maker, he or she should make immediate arrangements to have a substitute instruction giver appointed.

Subject to any specialist evaluation of the client’s legal capacity, or should it be the case the matter is already in Court, it may be appropriate to appoint a “Case Guardian”. This process involves filing an Application with the Court pursuant to rule 6.08 of the Family Law Rules 2004 together with an Affidavit in support containing the relevant evidence (i.e. short report from the client’s treating specialist regarding the client’s mental health and likely duration of any diagnosable condition).

Every day in my practice as a specialist family lawyer, family dispute resolution practitioner and mediator, I hear stories of family violence and children at risk.

Whilst family violence is a tragedy in and of itself, more tragic is the suffering caused to the children who are exposed, in one way or another – by hearing, seeing, feeling – to incidents of domestic violence and/or the aftermath of family violence.

The following article in ‘The Age’ reports the findings of a new study by the Australian Institute Family Studies which confirms what we already know – that children who are exposed to family violence are at higher risk of suffering sexual, emotional and physical abuse.

The issue is ‘What can be done to prevent children from being exposed to family violence, thereby reducing the risk of future abuse for these very same children?’

The Australian Institute of Family Studies report, which will be released on Wednesday, also shows that children exposed to domestic violence from an early age are more likely to experience difficulties at school and have lifelong problems with social and cognitive development.

The report, Children’s exposure to domestic and family violence, draws on local and international research to examine the effects on children raised in abusive households.

It found young people who grew up around domestic violence were at higher risk of other forms of abuse, and that exposure to family violence was the leading cause of homelessness in young people.

“It affects their development in such a global fashion,” AIFS director Anne Hollonds said. “The problems are extensive and they go right across physical and mental wellbeing, cognitive development, which obviously affects academic achievement and employment.”

The study found child abuse often co-existed with domestic violence and that victims of persistent maltreatment in childhood suffered similar effects to trauma, which can lead to aggression, self-hatred and a lack of awareness of danger.

Ms Hollonds said the experience of children exposed to violence at home was not well understood and that a fragmented response meant the most vulnerable children were falling through the cracks.

“What we have is a fragmented patchwork of some services in some areas often operating in quite a siloed way,” she said.

“For example, domestic violence support for women might not always be focusing on the needs of the children. Similarly, adult services for mental health or drug and alcohol issues might not have a focus on the needs of dependent children.

“Unfortunately in some families the problems are multiple, it’s not just violence towards the other parent but there is also various kinds of abuse that the children directly experience. This multi-victimization of children requires our urgent attention.”

The Australian Human Rights Commission released a report on Monday that found up to five children in every classroom had experienced or witnessed family violence.

The National Children’s Commissioner, Megan Mitchell, said children were the “invisible victims” of the domestic violence scourge and that growing up in an abusive household could have a devastating lifelong impact on a person’s mental and physical health.

She said children exposed to family violence might also feel they needed to defend the parent, or be the one to call police or an ambulance.

Crime statistics show Victoria Police were called to 65,400 family incidents in 2013-14 and that children were present in more than one-third of cases.

According to the Australian Bureau of Statistics, more than half of victims abused by their partner had dependent children in their care at the time, with that figure rising to 61 per cent in cases of abuse at the hands of former partners.

Ms Hollonds said a multidisciplinary approach to domestic violence across health, child protection and family services sectors was needed to help the most disadvantaged families, who are often dealing with complex problems but face the most barriers accessing help.

“We have a late reaction policy culture and find it difficult to co-ordinate across portfolios,” she said. “The key is acting earlier because often we don’t find out about the problems people are having until they’ve escalated to a very serious stage, and by then children will have been affected.”

Read more:

The Age:  www.theage.com.au/national/kids-exposed-to-domestic-violence-more-likely-to-suffer-sexual-physical-abuse-20151208-gli3au.html#ixzz3tmyef5Ib

The Australian Institute of Family Studies:  aifs.gov.au/publications/evaluation-2012-family-violence-amendments

Lifeline for counselling and support: www.1800respect.org.au/

If you would believe you would benefit from legal advice about family violence and/or other relationship issues, please contact Vanessa Mathews, Accredited Family Law Specialist Australian family lawyers, Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists, Level 2, 599 Malvern Road, Toorak, Victoria, phone 1300 635 529, email [email protected]

Vanessa is an expert specialist Melbourne Divorce Lawyer with many years of experience in advising clients about family violence and family law issues, from parental rights and child support, to family disputes and family law property matters.

Vanessa’s clients have kindly been willing to express their satisfaction with her work by writing, and consenting to have published, their testimonials on Mathews Family Law & Mediation Specialists, Melbourne Divorce Lawyers, website:  mathewsfamilylaw.com.au/stories/

Further testimonials as to Vanessa’s work may be found at Google Reviews:  click here

Second marriages, partnerships, step-families present challenges, new opportunities after legal separation, divorce

Relationships Australia has prepared this informative summary about the challenges and complications of re-partnering after Legal separation, or divorce.

In second partnerships, couples are often more aware of the difficulties in establishing a successful relationship and are more committed to making the marriage work.

Both second marriages and step-families have to overcome some difficult hurdles. These hurdles can present significant challenges to the couple in their relationship as partners and as parents.

Unfortunately, many second marriages and step-families, despite their commitment to making things work, fail to get over these hurdles.

This page outlines some of the challenges and complications of re-partnering and step-families.

The decision to re-marry or re-partner

Before you re-marry or re-partner, you should consider the following questions:

• When?
• Why?
• To Whom?

Listen to any doubts. If necessary, wait a little longer

When?

The simple answer is after you have fully come to terms with the end of your previous relationship. This is particularly important if you did not want the first marriage to end, and had to deal with the pain of leaving or being left by your previous partner.  It takes longer than many people expect to get over the end of a long-term relationship, even if you were unhappy and felt that the end was inevitable.

Some studies suggest many people take at least two years to adjust to the end of a long-term relationship. There are many exceptions to this. Some people take longer, others adjust more rapidly. Ask yourself:

• Do I find myself thinking about my ex-partner and do these thoughts still arouse strong feelings such as anger and resentment?
• Have I adjusted to living alone again?
• Have I regained a sense of self-confidence?
• Can I look back on that relationship and recognise some of the things that contributed to its breakdown?

In other words, am I emotionally free to re-partner? Can I put all my emotional energy into this new relationship without allowing my feelings about my previous relationship to get in the way?

Just as you cannot re-marry until you are legally free to do so, being emotionally free to re-marry is also important.

Why?

Unfortunately, this question is often overlooked. Are you thinking of re-marrying or re-partnering because you want to be with someone whom you love or do you want to re-marry or re-partner for the sake of being in a relationship or to provide a two-parent home for your children? Being alone is not easy after being married or in a long-term relationship, especially if you have children living with you. However, moving too rapidly into a new relationship can create a new set of problems.

To whom?

Past experiences influence our choice of partners. This is especially true of a second marriage. Be realistic about what worked and what didn’t work in your first marriage when making a decision about a new partner. Learn from that experience to clarify what sort of partner you want.

Being in love is not enough to make a relationship work especially once the initial excitement has worn off.

The following organizations offer separation, and divorce counselling:

Family Relationships Centre:  http://www.familyrelationships.gov.au/searchpages/searchpage.aspx?KEYWORD=frc%20not%20pop&RESOURCETYPES=Service

Relationships Australia: http://www.relationships.org.au/what-we-do/services/counselling

CatholicCare: http://www.ccam.org.au/

Family Mediation Centre: https://www.fmc.org.au/marriage-counselling.php?gclid=Cj0KEQiAqK-zBRC2zaXc8MOiwfIBEiQAXPHrXsvDPeRotm4nM6DHg4zIk5QIa_fiidlbpIzCf9gbUlYaAoXl8P8HAQ

The following informative article about coping  with separation and divorce at Christmas was published by Relationships Australia www.relationships.org.au

Resources

For some people, Christmas can be the most stressful time of the year. People can feel increased financial pressure from the costs of buying gifts, entertaining and holidays, and there can be increased strain from spending time with family members. For those people with complex family situations, such as separated families, Christmas time can present even greater challenges. Stress, anxiety and depression are common feelings over the holiday period.

There are some practical things you can do to prevent stress at Christmas

• If someone close to you has recently died or you are unable to be with your family and friends, acknowledge your feelings. It’s normal to feel sadness and grief and you can’t force yourself to be happy just because it’s the holiday season.
• If you feel lonely or isolated, seek out community, religious or other social events. They can offer support and companionship. Volunteering your time to help others also is a good way to lift your spirits and broaden your friendships.
• Sometimes expectations around family gatherings may make you uncomfortable or stressed. As families change and grow, traditions and rituals often change as well. Choose a few to hold on to, and be open to creating new ones.
• Try to accept family members and friends as they are. Set aside grievances until a more appropriate time for discussion and be understanding if others get upset when something goes awry. People under stress often ‘self-medicate’ with alcohol, cigarettes and other drugs. Try to remember that drugs can’t solve problems or alleviate stress in the long term.
• Stick to a budget. Before you go gift and food shopping, decide how much money you can afford to spend and then stick to your budget. If you have a large circle of extended family or friends to buy gifts for you might be able to suggest a change in the way your family and friends give presents. For example:
  • Buy presents only for the children.
  • Have a Kris Kringle, where everyone draws a name out of a hat and buys a present only for that person.
  • Set a limit on the cost of presents for each person
• Plan ahead. Set aside specific days for shopping, baking, visiting friends and other activities. If you plan your menus and activities you may avoid the stress associated with last-minute or forgotten tasks.
• Learn to say no. Saying yes when you should say no can leave you feeling resentful and overwhelmed. Most friends and colleagues will understand if you can’t participate in every project or activity. If it’s not possible to say no when your boss asks you to work overtime, try to remove something else from your agenda to make up for the lost time.
• Don’t abandon healthy habits. Overindulgence can add to your stress and guilt. Try these suggestions:
  • Have a healthy snack before holiday parties so that you don’t go overboard on sweets, cheese or drinks.
  • Get plenty of sleep and regular exercise.
• Take time out for yourself. Spending just 15 minutes alone, without distractions, may refresh you enough to handle everything you need to do. Find something that reduces stress by clearing your mind, slowing your breathing and restoring inner calm. Some options may include:
  • Taking a walk at night and stargazing.
  • Listening to soothing music.
  • Getting a massage.
  • Reading a book.

Where to get help with separation and divorce at Christmas

If you need professional medical help, talk to your doctor or your local community health center

If you would like to talk to someone immediately, you can contact:

• Lifeline – a free crisis telephone counselling service www.lifeline.org.au or call 13 11 14
• Monoline Australia – a counselling service and resources for men in family crisis www.mensline.org.au or call 1300 78 99 78
• Family Relationships Online www.familyrelationships.gov.au
• Family Relationships Advice Line 1300 364 277

You can also access counselling and support services in your state and territory through the Relationships Australia website www.relationships.org.au or by calling 1300 364 277

If you feel anxious or depressed, information and resources are available at www.beyondblue.org.au

If you are a young person, or the parent or career of a young person with mental health problems, support is available at www.headspace.org.au

If you are caring for someone you may find useful information and resources at www.carersaustralia.com.au

If you, or someone you know is experiencing family violence you can contact 1800 RESPECT 24 hours a day 1800 737 732 or www.1800respect.org.au

If you need help with budgeting, you can find a financial counsellor in your local area by accessing

http://www.financialcounsellingaustralia.org.au/Corporate/Find-a-Counsellor

You can also talk to a phone financial counsellor from anywhere in Australia by ringing 1800 007 007 (minimum opening hours are 9.30 am – 4.30 pm Monday to Friday).

If you are having ongoing conflict or disagreements with your children, siblings, parents or extended family, you can seek the professional assistance of a counsellor or mediator, for example see:

There are many volunteering opportunities in Australia and the websites below can give you some ideas about the various ways you can broaden your social networks and contribute to your community:

http://govolunteer.com.au/

http://www.volunteeringaustralia.org/

If you live near others who are likely to feel isolated, lonely or vulnerable around Christmas, check in with them, and perhaps include them in your own festivities. For information and ideas about what other people do for their neighbors see the Neighbor day website, Australia’s annual celebration of community:

http://www.neighbourday.org/

Sources: http://www.mayoclinic.org/healthy-living/stress-management/in-depth/stress/art-20047544;